Differences of opinion. When both parties are sure they are right to believe in their actions, how is the resulting conflict resolved? This is a dilemma that every adult faces many times in their lives. When relationships are formed even more divergences arises. When anyone engages in commitments to another the individualities are going to go different directions at times.
Whether it is as simple as a choice of where to have dinner together or as complex as where to live, our opinions as to what we want to do will very often conflict with the person with whom we are committed.
The conflict is exasperated when neither side can fully understand the other’s feelings about the dilemma. In the very mobile society we live in we find people committing to marriage and other types of relationships with people from extremely different backgrounds. With more and more inter-racial commitments we are seeing more differences brought into relationships which are difficult enough already. Sometimes the differences are so sensitive that violent and explosive actions result if the issues are not defused quickly. Even seemingly small differences such as family traditions and opinions on things like public and private displays of affection and personal space can bias a person for life.
And quick diffusion may not be possible when neither party understands the other’s position or sensitive to the situation. It may take a lot of counseling, a lot of time and a lot of mental and emotional position changing to achieve diffusion. If neither party will adjust their positions, reconciliation may never happen. It is then up to both parties to agree to disagree. Not always a bad thing, agreeing to disagree can actually bring strength to commitments and more respect for each person’s position. More respect can lead to more commitment.
It hinges on whether the parties are in fact not able to understand the other’s position, or if they are simply being hard to get along with. Standing by a position after seeing that it isn’t defensible is suicidal. You are going to die at this position, at least in light of the relationship.
There are two ways to consider the action to be taken. It is claimed that Demosthenes said "The man who runs away may fight again." That quote goes back to 338 B.C. “Pick your battles” is another quote we have all heard in every aspect of life from backyard fence to pulpit. And there is validity in the statements. But neither of these actions will necessarily resolve the problem. Either concept may diffuse it for a while, but it won’t be resolved. It will return to haunt the relationship.
I do not have an answer to the problem of differences of opinion when an impasse is encountered. I wish I did. One has to hope that the issues are not earth shacking or relationship ending. Sometimes they are. I have known of people who needed to go their separate directions in order to bring peace to both sides. If the two lives are intertwined with mutual investments and interests such as children, property and accumulations, the separation can be more painful than agreeing to disagree.
In observing people and in living in a commitment for 36 years I believe most problems result from one of two areas. Those are money and outside interests on one or both of the parties.
Money always creates tension when there isn’t enough for the lifestyles desired. And on the flip side money can very often gloss over difficult situations when there is plenty to go around.
Outside interests encompasses more things than anyone could list in a lifetime. But a list very popular ones must be headed by relationships outside of the committed one, family traditions and mannerisms, work, careers, activities (an entire list in itself), and religious beliefs.
Toss in varied backgrounds with difference in more than one of these and stir in personal incompatibilities and vulcanology may shape your personal landscape. And the resultant scenery may be one you don’t want outside your picture window of life.
Conflict resolution may be the greatest and most important skill not taught to us as children.
1 comment:
I have no clue what exactly what it is you are trying to say. I think you are skirting around a huge issue. I actually think that I may not like what you are trying to say. I think you are referring to a conflict with your wife and I don't think that should be put on a blog space for others to speculate about. I know nothing about what you refer but I'm not happy about the inferences to your relationship. Might I remind you that there are other sides to every story. It sounds like this needs to be an issue for prayer and counseling not blogging!!!!!!!!
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