3.28.2011

Rememoring

I realize I need to post pictures and some information from my trips to Metro Ministries in NYC. I’ll get to that; right now it is soon going to be time for the carriage to turn into a pumpkin and the coachmen into mice. Before Cinderella hears the church bells and has to walk home, I just wanted to post again some things running through my head.

It was a pretty nice day here in the Shenandoah Valley today. We have just 4 more days of March left and then it is April. I have an eye appointment on Friday. I am struggling with focusing problems and it is really serious at work where much of what I need to read is in very small founts. I am hoping the problem is easily rectified. I’d really hate to lose my eyesight. But I know others have and life goes on. Just make being independent more challenging.

We woke up to a 2 or 3 inch covering of snow this morning. It was cold but not frigid. By early afternoon all of the snow was gone. Virginia Commonwealth University outlasted Kansas University this afternoon in the NCAA semi finals of 2011 March Madness. North Carolina University gave Kentucky a hard run and a pretty good scare, but the Wildcats prevailed. So the final 4 has shaped up to be the UConn Huskies, the Blue Grass state Wildcats, the VCU Rams and the Butler Bulldogs. Duke, Arkansas, Kansas, Michigan, North Carolina and a host of other familiar names get to watch this final four on TV. I wonder if anyone picked this group. I sure wouldn’t have.

Georgiann and I are “making progress” on our kitchen. I think I am going to take some vacation in a week or so and spend some consecutive hours and days on things. It is hard to get motivated when you only have an hour or so to work. I have found my schedule suddenly leaning hard towards mid shifts which means leaving the house about 9am and getting home about 8pm. Ugh. Ruins the day.

My thought pattern today has been monopolized by reflections on a number of incidents in my past. Not my past life, I try to not think too much about that. I haven’t really shared too much of my past life with others because it seems to trouble them. My friends and family see me as belonging only to the current life and I think trying to understand about former things is difficult. So I won’t go into that now. I can tell you that Evita Peron was as nice as she was beautiful. To me at least. I may never get over her.

Several incidents in my life stand out and seem to re-develop in my mind frequently. The most life changing one I know of I think about often, but never talk about. It can’t be undone and what has not been is lost. I think of a couple of situations with employers that I wish I had handled better. A couple of decisions that I wish I had thought through better. Missed opportunities and possibilities. But mostly I wonder how I got so blooming old as fast as I did. It seems so like a few days ago I was walking the streets of Okmulgee and staring at the old Creek, Cherokee, and Seminole Indian men as they sat around the Creek Council House bound by 6th and 7th and Morton and Grand streets. I think the next time I get to Okmulgee I am going to get my cousin Jimmy to go up to the council house with me. He and I used to explore the place when we were very young. Jimmy lives just north of Okmulgee on his grandparent’s farm. They are both gone now, but he and his wife Suzie live there beside Jimmy’s parents. I can remember sitting in the living room of the granddad Fuller’s house and eating peanuts out of his fields. Peanuts were once a big crop in Oklahoma. May still be, I don’t know. The biggest adventure for kids our age was going to the bathroom after dark in the outhouse situated as I remember it at the back end of the chicken yard. Barefooted, of course. Nothing in there you might step on could be as bad as a “sticker.” Those stickers could take out a bicycle tire in a heartbeat. They were vicious. I have now idea what their real names were.

I remember going to the Okmulgee main fire station just north a couple of blocks of Main Street. Dad would either go into the day room on the ground floor behind the engine bays to play dominoes or Pinochle or climb the long flight of stairs to the second floor where the kitchen, showers and bunk rooms were and watch early TV broadcasts of MLB in black and white. It always looked like it was snowing to beat the band on the field, but it was cool.

We never told mom what we did at the fire station. She didn’t approve. Dad always tried to talk me into sliding down the brass pole that was in the middle of the bunk room floor. I was always chicken. He’d laugh, reach out and wrap his arms around the pole and disappear through the floor. You never put your hands on the pole. It made it tarnish. You always reached around it and grabbed your opposite shoulder. I always wanted to be there when a fire alarm came in so they’d see they needed a 7 or 8 year old boy to complete a crew. I was there a few times, but they always figured they could handle things without me. I was OK with that. Somebody needed to stay and cover other incidents.

Sometimes Jimmy and I would walk the railroad tracks and HE would pull up the loose spikes. I always hoped no trains derailed because I didn’t want to have to testify against my own cousin in court. I didn’t know if they even had prison clothes small enough to fit him. And I didn’t even know where really bad criminals were sent. But he turned out OK. Except he sold insurance for a while. I think he finally got saved and quit.

In those days the alleys behind the houses were mostly two depressions in the ground with crab grass growing so good I am sure someone had to mow the alley. Now I wonder why I remember that. 55 years ago I used to climb the tree in Grandma Mary’s back yard at the alley and sit there hiding from Billy and Yvonne and looking at the grass growing in the alley like no one ever drove through there. And I still remember it. But I can’t keep track of my passwords I created last week. Somebody must be laughing at us somewhere.

Last night at Amari’s 4th birthday party my oldest son, Todd, asked to borrow my Nikon Digital camera. So when I got home I changed the battery and cleared pictures I had still had on it. At full 6 megapixels it can store 291 pictures. I dropped it off today after church. He said he wanted to take it to Disney World, in May. MAY? It’s only March. Oh well, it does take some learning to get really good pictures out of it. There are a byzillion settings on it. It does have fully automatic settings but that’s no fun.

And that’s some of what has been running through my brain. And some early ideas for adding trim to the house. We are going to put up crown, chair and panel molding. We’ve done all of it a few times except the panel trim. I’ve only put up panel trim in one house in the living room. But it really set the room off. Gave it a more luxurious feel. Sweet looking. We are also going to paint all of the wood work white. We have the kitchen cabinet doors off now painting them. Slow process. Georgiann had to scrub them down, now we are sealing them with an oil base primer so the stain doesn’t leech through, and will paint them gloss white. The new hardware will be brushed nickel.

Well, I heard the church bells 45 minutes ago and kept on writing. Later.

3.27.2011

Low points

It is going on 4 months since I last posted to this blog. I suppose there are a number of reasons, but paramount is a lack of desire to share what has been going on in my life and an inability to gather my thoughts in an organized way to put them down on paper. I really haven’t been able to assemble my thoughts for a while now, and I really can’t say why. Work has taken its toll on me for sure. In fact, I am at a low point in my interest in work right now. I realize what I do is mostly un-notable. It has little to no impact on those around me, and it really isn’t even a blip on the radar of notable activity. Never in my life have I felt like my work is so useless than I do now. I hate retail. I am sorry I ever chose to be a part of it

I am at a low point in my self esteem, a low point in my relationships with others, and at a low point in my expectations of my waning years’ prospects. I do not understand how to estimate my assets, how to estimate my retirement, and certainly am as uncertain of the future as anyone in this country.

I am sure my mental situation is due in large part to the stroke I had 6 years ago. I know I am very fortunate to have come through that experience as intact as I did, but there certainly were changes in my mental and physical abilities. I also believe, although I haven’t researched it enough to know for sure, that the medications I am on is having a large effect on my ability to think clearly, to respond to and to be rational in all situations.

I feel life coming unraveled and I see the little remaining time I have left as bleak and dark. I thought for a while that I had found a way to bring happiness back, but as time creeps on I see it slipping from my grasp.

In spite of being surrounded by friends and family I feel alone. I realize that the isolation is a product of my own actions. I have slowly become more reclusive and guarded with my feelings and desires. I have pulled myself into a shell in order to protect myself and now that shell is suffocating me. I don’t want to end my life. I can’t imagine someone getting to a point where they want to end their life, but I also am afraid of the future. I have always experienced by best moments when I have been giving to others. That took a real blow a few months ago when I got burned by a scammer. Not on my computer, but in real life. I stopped to help someone and got taken. I know it happens all the time, but it hurt me.

I have no idea if anyone reads this anymore, but if someone does, and is a Bible scholar they will remember the apostle Paul was brought before Porcius Festus the procurator of Judea and King Marcus Julius Agrippa I in his last final hearing after being arrested for preaching about Jesus as the Christ. Acts 25 & 26 records the exchange between this most famous of all apostles and these sympathetic but bound by law authorities. After listening to Paul speak about his conversion and his belief in Christ Festus responded with “Paul, thou art beside thyself; much learning doth make thee mad.”

I feel I have reached that point. Paul denied being “mad” but I am not so bold. Paul had a more secure faith in what he knew. I realize that because of the knowledge so available some 2000 years later I know a lot more about the world than Paul did, but I may know a lot less about God than Paul knew. In Paul’s day little was known about the world in which he lived, and greater faith was placed in the just recent life of this man called the Christ. While I have not lost my faith in Christ, I know a lot more about the world and some of the things thought and written some 2000 to 3000 years ago have been found to be incomplete. It isn’t that they were wrong, but the descriptions they used do not fit with our knowledge today. So my faith in Christ is different than Paul’s by 2000 years of accumulated knowledge.

My life long pursuit has been to reconcile scripture to science. While it has become very clear to me, I see the Christian world around me gnashing their teeth at science and holding up 2000 year old documents as truth. And that hurts me because I believe it hurts God. In this country more than anywhere else in the world, the Christian believers are divided into camps that draw lines around their doctrines and beliefs and call to all to come join them, but then press them to conform to their own doctrines and beliefs. Most of those groups hold to a very literal interpretation of canon scripture.

I am weary of Protestantism, sadden by Judaism, and afraid of Islam. Hinduism, Baha’i, Buddhism, Confucianism, Shinto, and all the rest are aberrations that I do not see as viable. Their gods are not on the same level as the God portrayed in the big three.

But of all the religions, Protestantism is the most divided and convoluted of all. I am weary of that. Too many self proclaimed theological experts that do not have understanding of things around them proclaiming truth.

I think I’ll have a latte with my theology. And a sticky bun would be nice as well. Thank you.


PS, I will post about my two trips to Metro Ministries in Brooklyn soon. They were definitely high points. Loved being there.